Rest For a Chaotic Heart
by speedfanatic05
Summary: Calleigh is finding it hard to come to terms with Tim's death a year later. Will she be able to find rest before it's too late?.... SC ship.


Rest for a Chaotic Heart

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone on CSI Miami ,only my feelings that Speed should not have died.

A/N: This is for all of the Talleigh lovers! We are taking over. Period. :)

The gentle breeze blew through her hair as she walked to the headstone. She didn't want to be here , but something inside of her wanted to come. The days had been lost without him, and her nights alone had been a harsh reminder that he was gone. She steadied her gaze on the weeping willow that stood next to the headstone as it billowed in the breeze, feeling her heart breaking. How she wished that the wind could take her to him, but she knew it was futile. He had left her to deal with this pain , and the memories of their love. This was not how it was to be. He was supposed to be here, they were supposed to be married. She was supposed to love him for the rest of their lives. But now there was nothing. Nothing but pain and despair.

As she came to the headstone, she felt the coldness creep into her veins. There was no warmth in her any more. Her world had turned a dismal gray and not even her persistent chipperness would fill the void. There was no love with out Timothy Speedle.

Calleigh knelt in front of the headstone with tears glittering on the rim of her eyes. She couldn't help but think about the words she said to Alexx.

_"I think I may kill Speedle..."_

She closed her eyes harder, trying to squeeze the tears out, hoping that they would stop. For twelve months , her heart was in chaos. She didn't want to feel if she couldn't love him ,so she walked around the lab on auto mode. She could no longer connect with her colleagues and working had become nothing more than something to do. After Tim was killed, Calleigh didn't hold the zeal she once had for bullets. Yes, she still did her job as a firearms expert, but it no longer satisfied her to identify or to excel. It couldn't replace what she had lost. At times, she was disgusted with guns all around, knowing it was bullets that took Tim away from her. But nonetheless, she continued to work.

" Hey, guy," Calleigh said as she took off her sunglasses. When he was alive, their relationship thrived on the lack of pretenses, uncovering the windows to her soul was as far from pretenses that she could get. " It has been a year since you've been gone, and well, as you can see, I've not done a good job of coping too well. I wish I could've been there when you needed me the most. I wish that I told you that I loved you one more time that morning. I wish that I would've blasted you out about cleaning your gun. I- I wish that I could see your beautiful eyes just one more time I want to feel your protective arms around me again, Tim . I want you back."

Calleigh wiped the tears that flowed down her face and sat down and crossed her legs. She had a feeling that she would be here for awhile.

" I regret so much that I didn't tell you an answer to your proposal. I thought we had time. I thought that you were going to come back from that jewelry store and we would spend a wonderful night together. I thought that I would feel your love once again. I miss your soft touch, Tim."

Just then, her cell phone buzzed to life, startling her. She cursed as she grabbed the phone roughly and turned it off. Nothing was going to stop her from doing this. For too long she had held on to this pain. She wanted time to let it out, and she was going to have it. Horatio and the CSI lab would have to wait.

" Sorry," Calleigh returned as she pushed the phone deep into her bag. She then looked at his headstone and traced her fingers over his epitaph:

_Timothy J. Speedle_

_June24, 1973-September 20, 2004_

_Loving son, brother, colleague_

_Heaven has gained an Angel_

_and taken one from us_

As she remembered the day of his funeral, the hurt sat around her and encased her. The newness of her lost canceled out any emotions that she had. She didn't cry for him then, and it was only after she had gotten home, that she felt the emptiness. Even as she enveloped herself in his signature button ups, she didn't shed a tear. If she cried, she felt that she was accepting that he was gone, and that was something that she just couldn't do.

Calleigh sat on the ground in front of the tombstone for a while longer, lost in her thoughts. She wasn't satisfied that she had done what she had come to do. Her heart wouldn't allow her to say goodbye, not just yet. A fresh round of tears started as she got up, she couldn't deal with the heaviness that the moment presented.

" I'm sorry, Tim. I can't do this now. I thought I was strong enough to let you go, b-but I can't. Forgive me," Calleigh said as she turned to walk away. Her heart sank as she stepped over the roots of the willow. She had lost her determined spirit a long time ago. She would try again later.

CD

Eric looked up as Calleigh walked into the break room. All day , he noticed as she had distanced herself from the rest of the team. He knew exactly what was bothering her; it was the anniversary of his death. He watched her as she grabbed a bottle from the refrigerator and sat down in the farthest corner. Eric exhaled deeply and got up to approach her. He had seen Calleigh upset before, and he didn't want to experience it for himself, but he had to talk to her. He could see the conflict that rested in her heart. She was suffering, and he wanted nothing more than to see the old Calleigh come back. It was the least he could do for his best friend.

" Before you even say it Eric, I already heard it from Horatio, so don't waste your breath," Calleigh stated as she hung her head down . Her long blond locks covered her face , but Eric heard the pain in her voice.

" How do you know what I was going to say?" Eric replied as he took a chair from under the table and sat down.

" Because, it's the one year anniversary of his death and you are all 'concerned friends'. I appreicate the gesture, but if I hear another pity speech, I'll scream. I just want to be left alone, Eric."

" Cal, Speed wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. He would want you to go on with your life, to be happy," he said as he placed a comforting hand on her forearm.

" I can't do that, Eric. I can't let him go. I have tried so many times , but each time, my heart closes up and I can't feel anymore," Calleigh cried as she lifted her head.

" Calleigh, you can't live your life like this. You've got to say goodbye."

" So easy for you to say, Eric. You didn't love him the way I did," Calleigh retorted with a touch of spite in her voice.

" Hold on, now. Speed was just like a brother to me, and I had a lot of issues to deal with after he died. But that's the point, Cal, I dealt with it. In the wrong way, probably, but I came to terms with him being gone. I just finally realized that no matter how hard I cried, or how much I screwed my life up, it wasn't going to bring him back. You have to find a way to let go."

Calleigh glanced up into his eyes, seeing a hint of sadness there. She instantly felt like an ass for saying that to him.

" Eric, I'm sorry. I knew how close you were to him, but it's hard as hell to get through each day knowing that he's not going to be there at the end of it all. I miss him so much," Calleigh said as she wept heavily.

Eric reached over and pulled her into a hug, feeling her heavy sobs as she gripped his shoulder harder. He pulled back and gently moved the hair from out of her eyes, " We all miss him, Calleigh."

The door opened to the break room and Eric looked up to see Wolfe standing there awkwardly. He had joined the team shortly after Speed's death , but he still felt like an outsider.

" We got a call out, at the pier. A body was found floating in the water. Horatio wants Delko suited up and ready," Wolfe reported.

Eric sneered and shook his head. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't get used to Wolfe. His presence always reminded him that Speed was no longer there.

" Alright Wolfe, we'll meet you at the Hummer," Eric said as he got up.

" He wants all of us."

" Wolfe, I said that _we_ would meet you at the Hummer. Calleigh's coming too."

" Is she okay?" Wolfe said hestiantly.

" Yes , the woman crying her eyes out is fine," Calleigh said as she glared at him. " I'll be there, okay?"

Wolfe shrugged his shoulders and turned to walk out. He was through trying to understand them. Eric turned back to Calleigh with simpathetic eyes.

" You want a minute?"

" No, I'm okay. The sooner I get this day over, the better," Calleigh said as she stood up. She pulled her hair in a loose ponytail and attempted to put a small smile on her face. " Maybe some work will be good for me."

" Alright, meet you at the Hummer?"

" Yeah, I just have to get my kit. Don't leave without me, Delko." Calleigh drawled.

Eric smiled and walked out of the break room, leaving Calleigh to herself. As she walked to the trash can, she felt a slight change in the temperature and shivered. Thinking nothing about it, she shrugged her shoulders and left.

CD

_"You are not going to get me on that thing, Speedle."_

_" If you want your surprise, you'll get on," Tim said with a smirk._

_" Oh the things I do for love," Calleigh said smartly as she took the helmet from him._

_" You act as if it is going to kill you. I promise you won't get hurt."_

_" You don't keep your promises very good, Tim. I remember you promising me something and I know that you haven't done it."_

_" Can you not think about guns for just one second?"Tim asked sarcastically as she started to put on the helmet._

_"Can you think about yours for one second?" Calleigh asked as she set her gaze on him._ _"It's important that you keep it clean. You never know when you are going to need it."_

_" If this is what I have to listen to get you on this bike, then forget it," Tim said with frustration in his voice. Since dispo day, Calleigh had not let the issue go about his dirty gun._

_" I'll tell you what, I'll get on this bike if you promise me that you will clean your gun. Tonight."_

_"Cal,..."_

_"No, tonight or no deal."_

_" Alright, alright. I'll clean my gun tonight. I promise. Now can we go?"_

_" Sure." Calleigh said with a smile before kissing him. She had her ways of getting through to him._

* * *

Calleigh glanced at his picture on the desk. It had been taken on a scene and he was oblivious , it catching him in a rare moment. She smiled and touched the picture softly, then put it down. As she walked out the door, she heard her cell phone ringing at her side. Knowing who it was already, Calleigh picked it up and spoke into it. 

" I'm walking out , now ,Delko."

" Good, because I could kill Wolfe right about now. He's like a kid on a vacation with his parents," Eric said as he stood outside the Hummer. Wolfe was inside , peering out at him, anxious to get to the scene.

" Eric, be patient. I'm on my way."

CD

Calleigh walked up to the body that was lying next to the ME and knelt down, " Are those bullet holes?"

" Yes, through and throughs, although, I am sorry to say that the bullets may be in the harbor," the ME said. Alexx had left them a week ago, saying that she couldn't deal with Tim's death anymore. Calleigh knew exactly how she felt, and was envious that Alexx had enough courage to take action. Calleigh felt a presence over her as she continued to watch the ME do his job.

" Horatio, I hope you are not checking up on me," Calleigh said as she watched the water drain off the body.

" Not at all, Calleigh. Just coming to see how you were progressing. Eric's down trying to see if there is a gun down there."

" Well tell him to look for bullets too. Through and throughs , most likely in the water," Calleigh replied adroitly. She felt his compassion as it reached out to her.

" Okay. Are you sure that you are okay with this?"

" Horatio, I'm fine. Really. Now if you will excuse me, I've got a scene that needs processing," Calleigh said standing up. All of a sudden, gunshots rang out and Calleigh turned in time enough to see projectiles flying off the nearby boats and a gun pointed in her direction. She moved to draw her weapon feeling a sharp pain course through her as she fell backwards. Horatio trained his sight on the position of the gunman and shot back hitting him in the chest. He then knelt down to Calleigh, who was in and out of conciousness.

" Don't you do this , Calleigh. You stay with me." Horatio said as he took off his jacket and applied pressure.

Calleigh rolled her head to the side and tried to open her eyes to look at him. She then gave up, and decended into darkness.

CD

_She felt several hands on her body as they lifted her into the ambulance. She heard them talking but it sounded far away. Then She opened her eyes and she was standing at his headstone.Bending down to touch it, she felt someone behind her. Turning, she saw him standing there with a sad smile on his face. She felt her heart lift as she watched him move to her. She couldn't believe that he was here with her._

_"Calleigh, what are you doing?"_

_" Missing you."Calleigh said as she felt a tear drop. She so wanted to feel him at that moment._

_" Why haven't you let me go? Why are you making yourself suffer?"he asked softly._

_" How can I , Tim? You were my life then in an blink of an eye, you were snatched from me._ _You tell me how am I supposed to deal with that?"_

_" Baby, I don't want you to spend the rest of your life, regretting. You are too beautiful of a person to do that. Stop this before it kills you."_

_" I want to die, Tim There is no living without you. I want to be with you. I didn't have enough time with you," Calleigh said with tears in her eyes._

_"It's not your time, sweetie," Tim said gently._

_" And it was yours?" _

_" I may have advanced it, but it was my mistake, and it cost me my life. It cost me you," Tim said as he embraced her. She felt the warmth that radiated from inside of him. " Please , don't let my mistake cost you your life. Remember, but live, baby. That is the best way to really show that you love me."_

_" I will always love you, Tim."_

_" And I you, Calleigh. I may not be there in body, but you can keep me alive in spirit. And we will always have our memories," Tim said as a tear rolled down his cheek. " It's time for you to go."_

_" I don't want to leave you." Calleigh said burying her self in his chest. This felt right to her._

_" But you have to. We will meet again someday. I promise." Tim said lifting her chin up to look into her eyes. He then kissed her softly. Calleigh leaned into the kiss and in an instant he was gone. Calleigh touched her lips and wept. He had left her again._

* * *

Calleigh walked to the weeping willow, steeling herself to do this. She had gotten out of the hospital a week after they dug the bullet out of her shoulder. She faintly remembered her dream while she was unconcious and she was determined now to do what was best. She came to the headstone and sat indian style on the grass, manuvering herself to a comfortable postion. She gazed at the marble stone and felt a single tear roll down her face. She exhaled deeply then spoke, her voice breaking the silence. 

" Hey , guy. I just wanted to come her to say what I have been trying to say forso long," Calleigh said as she put her free hand on the cold stone." I put all of my concentration into missing you that I couldn't see what was staring me in the face. I couldn't see the mess I was making of my life. I have finally been able to put my chaotic heart to rest, thanks to you and Eric."

Calleigh smiled lightly as she pulled a picture of him and her at a picnic, smiling. She placed it beside the stone. " I won't lie to you, it's going to be hard, but I realize that you were taken for a reason, and that I will meet you again. Remember , you promised."

Calleigh leaned forward and pressed her fingers to her lips then to the stone, " I miss, you so much. I love you." She then got up and turned to walk back to her car. Before she got to the street, she turned to look back at the weeping willow and closed her eyes, " Goodbye, Tim."

She felt the wind pick up as it fingered through her hair and kissed her softly on her cheeks. He would never be far from her heart.

The End.

A/N: Please let me know how you all felt about it. I was going through some issues reliving Lost Son in my mind, so forgive me if I ramble in some places. Back to writing about a alive and well Speed! Long Live Talleigh:)


End file.
